To my non-friends

I've been thinking a lot about past friends. They're really haunting me and I'm struggling. I have dreams about these people that I use to care so deeply about and who I thought once cared deeply about me. It makes me wonder, do these people ever think of me? I'm betting the answer is no, or if they do its not in any kind of way I would want them to. It makes me very sad. Sometimes I wish I could get these friendships, these people back into my life. Sometimes I feel weak without them here with me because I loved them so intensely. Sometimes I want to find them, say I'm sorry, beg for forgiveness for any mistakes, beg for friendship to be rekindled and returned and for things to go back to how they were. Sometimes my heart aches to know how they are, if they're happy without me in their life, or if they regret cutting me off. Sometimes though, I wonder why I would even want them back in my life at all. I think of them as pathetic and weak occasionally for leaving me when I was at my hardest place in life. What kind of "friend" does that? Does the whole "I'll always be here for you" have some kind of "unless..." Clause that Im unaware of? Friendship should be about loyalty and love, always. If you're going to call someone a good friend, be able to be a good friend no matter how hard things get. Friendship is about being there for people when they go through hard times, not ditching them because they are struggling with life. Ultimately, the people that left me while I was going through the very dark time in my life thus far, are weak, pathetic, and really really terrible friends. I have no idea how I still miss them because I don't even want friends like that. I don't want unloyal selfish backstabbing liars as friends, but I struggle to know if anyone exists that is any better, or if people will always just be mean and cruel to their so called "friends." I have no idea. Now that I am far into recovery and laugh and smile genuinely again, it would be nice to forget the shadows of the past and move to the future. I believe The Lord takes revenge for us, and I would like to think He has something in mind for the people that were terrible to me when I struggled the most. I hope one day they see that I am happy and living in Europe and miss me as a friend. Really for me, it matters if you're there to spend the happy days with me, but if you ditch when the going gets tough, what good are you? Maybe some day humanity will learn some morals and virtues again because it seems like most have forgotten what it means to be nice and to be a good friend or even a good person. Good luck to all who at least try. I salute you.